


Help me Help you

by lickmymccracken



Series: bandom trans headcanons [3]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Aromantic Character, Dysphoria, MAJOR TW FOR DYSPHORIA!!!, Mention of sex, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Other, aro!Brendon, sex as self harm, trans girl!Ryan, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:09:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2787878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lickmymccracken/pseuds/lickmymccracken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just banging out some stuff, sort of back story, not really, with trans girl!Ryan and aromantic!Brendon</p><p>TW FOR DYSPHORIA<br/>TW FOR SEX AS SELF HARM</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help me Help you

           Ryan rolls over in bed and covers herself in Brendon’s blankets. She closes off completely and stays completely still until she falls asleep. That’s how it goes when they have sex. Brendon gets up and does some stuff around the house. He leaves Ryan alone until she’s asleep then get his pillow and sleep on the couch in his room. It’s what works.

           Brendon always texts Ryan when she goes home before he wakes up, “I’m sorry I slept on the couch again.” But she’s never mad at him. They meet up for lunch at school the next day and go to the library to talk. It’s just the normal routine of things.

           “You’re sure you’re not mad?” Brendon mumbles over his turkey sub, his eyes still a little pink and bloodshot right in the corners from last night. Ryan has the same dark circles under her eyes. She picks at her thumb nail trying hard not to chip off the dark red nail polish she put on during study hall. She shakes her head and sighs, lets silence fill the space before she stops biting her tongue.

           “Brendon, what’s wrong? You know I don’t get mad about this. I never have. It’s not going to change any time soon. So, spill.” And Ryan makes her face do that THING that just makes everything inside Brendon churn up and spill out of his mouth like weird word vomit. She only does it sometimes because she knows it’s totally not fair, there’s no possible way for Brendon to keep his mouth shut after she looks at him like that. Brendon puts his sub down on the table and rubs his face.

           “I’m supposed to like… hold you or some shit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, Ry. Supposed to like fuckin’... Shit, sorry...” Brendon’s jaw clenches tight and Ryan’s only looking at the lower half of his face, she doesn’t watch him wipe at his eyes like he sanding wood. She apologizes and hands him her water bottle.

           “Bren c’mon, we talked about this.” She says quietly. Ryan fucking hates to see Brendon sad like this. She knows his feelings all too well, being so confused about himself that its always sitting in his throat waiting to bubble out and make him scream and tear himself apart. “You’re not meant to do anything. We’re not dating and neither of us wants the romance....Brendon. And even if we were you’re not required to do anything. That’s what you enjoy and what you’re comfortable with and... You’re not broken, Brendon.” He didn’t have to say it’ for Ryan to know what he was thinking. She always knows it’s on his mind and will keep reminding him for as long as he needs. She’ll make him feel right.

           “Did you sleep last night?” Brendon changes the subject, he was going to cry again. Ryan changes it again when she doesn’t want to hear Brendon’s lectures.

           “I think I left a scarf at your house.”

           The bell rings and they go to their separate classes. Sometimes, when she needs it, Ryan goes home with Brendon, but they had gym today and she needs to go home alone. She needs her bed and silence and nothingness around her.

           Gym is always a problem for her because of the segregation. Because she knows she’s on the wrong side, in the wrong changing room and wearing the wrong clothes. Being in gym class makes all her thoughts cave in on her until she’s caught in an avalanche and can’t breathe. Wearing her own clothes in school is a little better; she’s got impeccable style and taste and dresses better than any other girl in the school. She knows that and flaunts it all she can. Gym shorts and baggy t-shirts instead of the smaller shorts and spandex and tighter shirts the girls get to wear, it’s unfair, it’s wrong. It makes her wrong. Ryan goes home and sleeps until eight that night.

           Brendon sends her a message at nine, “what u up to?” and she ignores it, but Brendon can see she’s looked at it. Her dad isn’t home, and her mom is asleep in front of the TV in the living room. Ryan sits on her bed at stares at herself in the mirror with her phone as the only light in her room. Brendon sends another message, “I’m here.” and Ryan sheds her clothes in the dark and makes sure everything is back in it’s place, that her floor is clear and turns on her lights low. Ryan grabs her phone and types back a quick message to Brendon, “Just a sec.”

           Her stomach is so tight she wants to throw up. She stares at herself in the mirror and wants to smash it, but keeps her breathing calm. It’s happened for so long she can keep it completely inside. She won't even let herself see she’s crumbling. She takes her penis and pulls it between her legs so there’s just pale skin there in a ‘V’. She takes her phone and cocks her hip, takes a picture and sends it to Brendon. She sits on her knees, leaning to the side, and covers her chest with her free arm, pushing and pulling the skin her chest hard enough to make it look like there’s more than just her bone and skin there, takes another picture for Brendon. She doesn’t look at his reply yet. She lays on her side and drapes an arm over her chest again, snaps another pic. She doesn’t even pass in that picture. She just looks like a fucking dude laying on the carpet with his dick between his legs.

           The mirror is mocking. It shows Ryan everything that’s wrong. It shows her broad shoulders and big hands. She has tiny hips, she has a flat chest. The mirror puts a red circle around everything that hurts, a big asterisk with notes of ‘a REAL girl looks like...’ It disregards the things she thinks she likes sometimes. Her face is soft, she has thin legs that go on for days, she has soft hair that's almost at her shoulders and she can straighten it and braid it sometimes. She has big eyes and a nice smile. Her calves look amazing in heels in the store.

           The mirror shows her her penis and her nearly fucking concave chest. It shows her thin hips. Ryan holds in her tears and pinches at her hips, wonders if eating more or less will help them be more defined. She pushes the flesh on her chest together until there's a line or cleavage and remembers the time she tried to duct tape it like that and how it cut into her skin until she bled, but didn’t want to take it off until Brendon made her.

           He told her it was dangerous, she told him that being in her body was.

           Ryan stands, turns to the side, covers her chest and admires her profile with her penis tucked in for a second before her ass looks too masculine, the muscle in her thigh is too prominent, her knees are knobby and she drops her hands from her chest. She gives up hope.

           Ryan grabs her phone and doesn’t check Brendon’s replies before typing “Wanna fuck, I’m coming over.” and pulling on her pants again.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want more with these two pls pls leave a comment and let me know!!


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